You Might Be Drinking Too Much Coffee If

#21 will shock and terrify you

In the Garden of Eden, there once lived a beautiful and vivacious lady named Lilith, who had flaming red hair and first coined the term “mansplain.” She lived alone for 1,000 years or so, until the various goddesses and gods noticed she was bored.

So they built a Starbucks in the shade of the Tree of Good and Evil. One day, while sipping a sugar-free, iced chai, Lilith noticed a naked man ordering a hot half-caf with heavy cream, despite the day being rather warm.

They struck up a conversation and so humanity was born. This is the Bible they don’t want you to know about — the one that reveals the man, I think his name was Dave, came along after Lilith. The Tree of Good and Evil eventually grew very tall and provided excellent shade for the Starbucks parking lot.

Because there was Starbucks, there was gender equality, since everyone could order whatever they wanted, and both males and females needed good jobs to pay for their own drinks. Lilith was not oppressed by being forced to drink regular coffee from a convenience store, and Dave occasionally indulged in a Mocha.

The black lacquer of liquid sunshine is all good, but if you are spending all your time at Starbucks or Dutch Bros or my local shop, the Red Light Roastery, you may have a problem.

It’s possible to drink too much.

1/ Your nickname is Jitters, Shaky, or Mocha Java

You might tremble naturally, like a chihuahua in a thunderstorm, but if you are filling up your cup six times daily and you can’t be trusted to carry a tray full of drinks, it’s the coffee.

2/ Mothers warn their kids to stay away

Do kids shy away from you? It could be you are always seen with a mug or an icy mocha. Could be — these moms know a junkie when they see one.

3/ Banned from at least one Starbucks

At some point you were jonesing so bad you got cranky with a Starbucks barista. It happens. Then it happened again, and pretty soon they knew the make and model of your car and your money was no good there.

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