The Angry Toaster

My toaster oven has been making some pretty ominous sounds these days and, frankly, I’m concerned that it’s a sign that we’re on the downslope of our relationship. It may seem paranoid but we’ve been together for almost fifteen years and, after that much time, a person gets to know his appliances pretty well.

We’ve had our rough spots. In the beginning I had to fiddle around with her settings to get my English muffins just right and it took a good six months until each of us finally settled on the optimum way to toast a bagel. I won’t even get started on the countless hours I’ve spent adjusting her rack. It was a low spot during our time together and I’m not proud of the way I acted but we’ve largely made our peace with each other.

These days she just seems different. I’ve heard it can happen around this time in a toaster oven’s life. Sometimes she gets so hot that I end up with a smoldering charcoal briquette instead of a nicely warmed ham and swiss on rye. Other times I end up with a flaccid half frozen waffle. Rarely is anything ever perfectly toasted.

Of course it could just be that my toaster doesn’t like cooking bagels or anything else that isn’t, strictly, toast. Maybe she’s a purist which I totally understand. I’ve dated more than a few people who didn’t like bagels or croque monsieurs or anything else like that put into them.

The only other culprit I can blame for my toaster oven’s foul mood would be the new dishwasher we picked up a few years ago. She is adorable and I’m sure that there’s a bit of jealousy involved on my toaster oven’s part. They’re really very different appliances though and I’ve told my toaster oven hundreds of times that it’s an apples to oranges comparison. Deep down though I’m pretty sure she thinks that I love the dishwasher more.

The dishwasher isn’t perfect either and I feel like she’s getting a bit needy. I’ve been eating out a lot and there’s only so much attention I can give her. I ply her with JetDry and stack the dishes as best as I can but I’m only pushing her start button once, or maybe twice, every week. By the time the next week rolls around it’s the same old thing. I feel like we’re just going through the same cycle over and over again. Rinse, wash and repeat.

It’s just easier that way, the routine. She’s got so many different buttons and settings that it’s all, just a bit, overwhelming. It’s clearly time to have a talk about her needs as well as mine. Good communication is the key to any relationship.

To make matters more complicated the dishwasher is beginning to give off a distinctly unpleasant odor. There are times when I open her up and she smells like a dead raccoon that’s been sitting in the sun for a few days. I’ve cleaned her out as best as I can. I’ve even run her empty with vinegar rinses a few times but it hasn’t helped. I’d bring the subject up but she’s fairly sensitive and I don’t want to upset her. I’m not a monster.

My dryer has an entirely different issue altogether and is, frankly, kind of an asshole. We’ve never gotten along all that well, probably because he never came with a manual. I’m usually pretty good at pushing an appliance’s buttons but without a manual how in the hell am I supposed to know how to make him purr?

He recently really started acting out by shrinking one of my wife’s sweaters. I swear I set him on “Air Dry” but he’s always claimed I used “Permanent Press”. What a psycho. I mean who in their right mind would put a cotton sweater in a dryer on Permanent Press? Regardless of who did what my wife is still pretty pissed off. I don’t think she ever liked our dryer to begin with and, honestly, I don’t blame her.

I’ve never cared for the way the dryer buzzes when he’s done with his cycle. It’s so condescending, and really, a little rude. I’ll be in the middle of cleaning out our new coffee maker or scrubbing out the oven and the next thing I know there’s a loud “MEHHHHHH” buzzing sound coming from the basement every ten minutes until the he tires himself out.

I like to think I get it. Being a dryer probably isn’t a glorious life but an appliance has to know its place. It’s not like he’s going to write the next great American novel or solve world peace. He’s a dryer. He’s got one job to do.

Unfortunately I think the washer has been listening to him and taking notes on how to drive me nuts. I don’t like to use the term ‘unbalanced’ but there it is. My washing machine is unbalanced. It’s not unusual for her to go off kilter and sound like a WWII howitzer is going off in the basement. Even worse I think the relationship between the dryer and the waster has become more than just platonic. The dryer is a horny little freak and I think he actually likes it when the washer gets all whompy. Something about the vibration gets him off and, every time she goes full tilt it’s MEHHHH MEHHHH MEHHHH until I go downstairs to set things right.

Something about the whole relationship feels incredibly dysfunctional. Of course I can’t complain. My sheets still come out a brilliant white, my towels too, but I think that they should really start to talk about their problems. They might not be my favorite appliances but they deserve a shot at real happiness. Both of them aren’t getting any younger and I’d like for them to enjoy the little time they have left before one of them passes on.

It’s not something I like to think about but, once an appliance in a relationship goes to the great beyond, the other one doesn’t last too long. The dryer might linger on for a few years after the washing machine kicks out but that’s the best either of us can hope for. Even if he lasts for a while he’ll probably start dating the slightly younger model I’ve purchased. That’s all well and good but there’s only so long a relationship like that can last.

When the time comes I’d actually like to set him up with the toaster oven if, and when, he’s looking for companionship. Sure it’s unconventional but it’s not for me to judge. They might be a floor away but with Bluetooth just about anything can happen. Love can find purchase in the most unlikely places and, honestly, I think that the two would be good for each other.

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