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How I Healed Myself After a Narcissistic Relationship

DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

Six ways to recover in the aftermath of a narcissistic partner

Being with a narcissist means being less important than they are. You are less important to them. You become less important to yourself. You are less important in the relationship.

Sadly, this also means your feelings and experiences are rarely, if ever, met with empathy, your narrative is overwhelmed by theirs, and your time and energy are spent coping with manipulation, gaslighting, and the general distress of being in a toxic relationship.

When I finally broke free of my narcissistic marriage (more like got dumped, see here for more context), I was left with a tangled mess of my own thoughts and emotions to work through. What made this more complicated was that I had forgotten how to prioritize myself, couldn’t trust myself or others after years of manipulation, and was out of energy to do the necessary repair work. The previous ten years had been exhausting, and after long-term minimization of my thoughts, feelings, experiences, beliefs, and desires, I felt like my existence was no longer valid. I was too tired to address it all at once.

As I think through my recovery process, six categories of healing come to mind. I will talk through them in the order in which I experienced them.

My relationship with a narcissistic partner left me in a state of burnout. Before I could even begin to heal, I had to regain some energy so I could do the healing work. I made lists of everything that gives me energy and began prioritizing these practices in my life.

I went on long walks.

I spent time just sitting in nature and breathing in the scents.

I wrote music and played the piano.

I bought myself flowers.

I ritualized my morning coffee with journaling and made it a practice I looked forward to each day.

I got my hair and nails done regularly.

I had long talks with the people closest to me.

One time, I detoured while driving home from a work trip and just sat at the edge of the Grand Canyon and thought and cried.

Slowly, these activities restored me, and I moved out of burnout. I was ready to begin processing.

As my energy returned, so did my ability to think critically about my experience with a narcissistic partner. I began to think through scenarios from the past and appropriately label them “truth” and “lies.” I was able to provide myself with constructive criticism about my own behavior in response to narcissistic manipulation and gaslighting. And slowly, I began to realize I was better off without that narcissistic partner in my life.

I was traveling for work, sitting on my hotel bed when the realization hit me: I was happy. For the first time in ages, I was happy. Happy I was no longer stuck in a toxic relationship with a toxic person.

I was shocked, and initially somewhat horrified. Divorce is nothing to be happy about, I told myself. Divorce is horrible.

And it is. Divorce is sad. It is tragic when relationships and the investment they hold end. But there’s an “and” in the concept.

Divorce is tragic and it is sometimes necessary.

I am sad my relationship ended and I am relieved I am no longer miserable.

I loved my partner and I am glad he is no longer in my life.

Deciding I was allowed to be happy that I was no longer miserable was the key that opened the door to my healing. I was able to give myself grace, accept the truth about the relationship, and proceed forward in my life with joy and hope.

An important part of my healing was rediscovering my own preferences. For a decade, I had done what my partner wanted, when my partner wanted, how my partner wanted. That was the only option because my requests for what I wanted were not honored.

I set out on a quest to figure out my own preferences again. That involved everything from going on dates to learn what I want and need in a partner, taking myself to restaurants (alone), going to movies (alone), and even turning my wardrobe into an expression of my personality.

Basically, I dated myself. I learned myself. I got back in touch with myself.

I’ll never forget the first time I went on vacation alone. I was at a beach resort, a very romantic setting, and all the other couples kept looking at me like I had probably murdered my significant other. But I held my head high, sat alone at the fancy restaurants, rented myself a sweet little beach setup with an umbrella, and sipped my piña coladas. It was weirdly refreshing to do whatever I wanted on vacation.

Part of manipulation and gaslighting is that your partner’s voice becomes the voice you hear in your head. It can control your inner narrative and how you perceive yourself and believe you are perceived by others. My partner told me a lot of lies. He told me I couldn’t do better than him. He told me my expectations of a husband were unrealistic. He told me I would never find anyone who wanted what I wanted in a relationship.

Learning to hear and believe my own voice again was a tough process. I spent hours and hours talking through my thoughts and ideas with the safe people in my life. I expressed my thoughts about what a safe, healthy relationship should look like and got feedback that it was, in fact, reasonable and attainable. So I started telling myself what I wanted in a relationship was reasonable and attainable.

Journaling helped me find my voice again. I started to notice patterns and turns of phrases that summarize who I am, what I’m about, and my most deeply held beliefs.

I started speaking up for myself in both my personal and professional life. When I recognized someone was behaving toward me in an unhealthy or toxic manner, I addressed it.

During this time, conversations with safe, mature people were crucial because they provided a sounding board for me as I learned to hear and trust myself again.

One dynamic of being with a narcissistic partner is how small you become to survive. In the aftermath of my divorce, I decided to get back to making big, brave, bold decisions.

I took a challenging career move.

I bought a house. All by myself.

I moved across the country.

Giving myself permission to believe I could do big things successfully and on my own helped me find my courage again. I stopped being small and started living big.

This was the final and biggest step: I learned how to give myself the love I wanted from my partner but never got. I learned to truly grasp and believe that the problem was never that I was not lovable — the problem was that my partner did not love me.

I forgave myself for what I didn’t know.

I forgave myself for staying in a toxic relationship for so long.

I forgave myself for not being the best version of myself while I was being manipulated, gaslighted, and lied to.

I invested in my own heart through education regarding self-love.

I surrounded myself with healthy people who loved me in a safe and healthy way.

I found mentors who loved themselves with grace, compassion, and humor.

I became my own most important relationship.

I accepted that I am the love of my own life.

The road back to yourself can be long and tough, but it can be traveled. You are worth the work, you are worth the time, you are worth the investment. Take some time to grieve and recover from burnout. What you experienced with your narcissistic partner was real and terrible. Grieve the bad, forgive yourself for what you did not know, and move forward with curiosity, hope, humor, and grace as you rediscover your wonderful self.

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